In Which I Am Alive

My apartment tends to exist in a constant state of messiness. Every time I try to figure out why the domicile can't stay out of pig-sty zone for more than a day at a time, I can only come up with one answer. It's not "my" apartment after all. It's "ours". There are, in fact, six of us currently living in my tiny little flat. Six college-aged girls: three in school, two with boyfriends, all with jobs. We're all far too busy to clean up anyone's messes but our own. And whenever anything is messy, it is definitely  anyone's mess but my own. Crumbs all over the counter? Well, I'm always careful when I eat, so they couldn't possibly be mine. Let the perpetrator wipe them up Dishes in the sink? Why can't those silly roommates of mine take the time to wash their cereal bowls? Trash needs to be taken out? I can't believe  they'd let it overflow like that! Notice a pattern? Nothing is ever, ever  my fault. And I have a f...

I had never seen Casablanca before. And well, to say I'd heard it was good would be grossly understating the matter. More like, oh, one of the greatest movies ever made? So when I heard it was playing on campus today, I went. Even though I had important things to do. Even though I couldn't find anyone to go with me. And...I'm still not sure what to say about it. I was enthralled the whole time. I fell in love with Rick. The ending was immensely satisfying.  But I'll be honest, Ilsa really, really bothered me. "Do the thinking for both of us, Rick!" Really? Really though? I think the part that really bugged me about Ilsa was how much I related to her (minus the whole marital infidelity thing). I know what it's like to get so lost in your emotions that you can't think straight. To want to stop trying to figure things out and just collapse into tears while others fix your problems for you. And I've definitely been guilty of that on multiple occasi...

To the Ants I Killed Yesterday, I was only doing my job. You have to understand that up front. I have to keep that bathroom clean for the students who use it, and a small colony of insects living underneath the urinals is not traditionally the sign of a hygienic bathroom. I'll admit, I'm still not sure why it was so important I got rid of you. Your kind doesn't traditionally carry diseases, and none of you were stealing any food or really, doing anyone any harm as far as I could see. You're all black ants, so probably not the biting type. But, like the dirt in the corners and the soap scum on the counters, you look dirty, and are unwelcome in a modern, clean restroom. And so I sprayed your corner with poison. Did it hurt? Did you scream? Did you die instantly or did you suffer and struggle first? Did some of you run frantically, looking for loved ones, hoping they'd survived? Do ants love? Do they have families? Were the stragglers all alone and desolate, ha...

I feel as if I'm stagnating. No learning, no progress, no new-ness. I clamber out of bed, clean dorms, eat lunch with Michael, accompany for a few voice lessons, and then clean toilets. Day in and day out. I'm so ready to leave for Vienna. For new countries, new languages, new foods, new people. I'll miss my roommates, my family, and of course my Michael. But beyond that? Not much. I'd be gone today if I could be. It all feels like...drudgery. Like I've lost that talent I had for seeing the beautiful in everything. For finding new ways to progress and grow. Where did it go? How do I get it back? Because, like it or not, I have two more weeks here in Provo. And so I'd better make the most of them. How though? Go running in this beautiful weather (I think I will do that as soon as I finish typing.) Read all I can about Vienna so I can be even more excited. Smile more. Reach out a little more to my coworkers and ward members. Play the guitar a lot. Read ...

Blond and cherubic, with a hint of mischief glinting in his eyes, he sat on the couch, surrounded by cheerios, crayons, and a gray, winged mask. "Hello!" I smile at him, and he grins back. "Is this a Tron mask?" I ask. He frowns, and I quickly correct myself. "Thor, I mean." He beams and nods. "What's your name?" I ask eagerly. He glances around furtively and then whispers, "Dawf Vadew." "Darth Vader? Wow!" I cry, honored to be in the presence of such a famed figure. An exasperated sigh. "Brady..." says the woman across the room, "Darth Vader is the bad guy, remember? Why don't we want to be like Darth Vader?" His brow furrows, "Dawf Vadew is bad because...because he cutted of Wuke Skywalkew's awm." "That's right." She sighs again, "He keeps calling me Emperor Palpatine. Every time I ask him to do something he answers with, ' Yes, Master'".  Her James Ea...

It's raining outside. Everything is misty, and the mountains are wrapped in heavy white clouds. It makes me homesick for this place: (Can you be homesick for a place that was never your home?)  I think I'm long overdue for some Oregon beach-camping. Hopefully I can make it happen...next summer. In other news, yesterday was Norwegian Independence Day. Which doesn't mean much to me, except that I got to enjoy some good food and good company. I am officially in love with this: Oh, and this: That is all. 

I used to map my runs, to keep track of mileage and speed. Lately though, I've run lazily, without a watch, without keeping track of my distance. Just exploring, running where it looks interesting, and coming back home where I'm done. Tonight was a beautiful evening for a run. The spring sun sifted through the glowing leaves, couples walked hand in hand, children laughed, gnats bit me. I saw windows with cartoon characters glued in them,                             And windows with butterflies painted on. I saw an old man smoking, a wrinkly hippy riding his bike, and children playing with broken toy cars outside a crumbling apartment complex. I saw a man and a woman playing frisbee. The catch? She was pushing a stroller, running with it to catch the frisbee while the tiny girl inside laughed and laughed. I smelled barbeque, grass, and my own sweat. I saw a boy playing his banjo on the front porch, but lacked th...