Tuesday, August 24, 2010

In which I let go...

Sometimes I make plans.
Sometimes these plans are for the day: move in on Tuesday.
Sometimes these plans are for the semester: take a lot of crazy hard classes so I have no time for life.
Sometimes these plans are for the year: lifeguard/teach lessons at the pool.

And...sometimes I hold on so tightly to these plans that having the very rigidity stresses me out, but I'm afraid to let go and surrender to the unknown.
But today I let go.
I have to move in on Thursday. And I am happy.
The pool has decided not to keep me for the fall/winter. And so I will have time to do homework.
My schedule for fall is not the most rigorous I could possibly handle. And I am trying not to feel guilty about that.

And I feel good.

Actually, I might just feel good because I'm listening to "7/4 shoreline" by Broken Social Scene, and it's my new favorite song on earth. Guys, it's actually in 7/4!!! (I just discovered Broken Social Scene for myself today. Brenton, if you still read this, thank you for casually mentioning them in passing a few times. I saw a link to one of their songs today, and remembering how much you liked them decided to check them out. I love them. Should that surprise me? Probably not.)

Monday, August 23, 2010

In which I am frustrated.

A week ago, I lost my wallet. I've searched frantically, and have determined that it was probably stolen out of my locker at work. Awesome.
So today, I began my quest to replace it's contents, and have become increasingly incensed with the paradoxical nature of this process.
I need to buy a tank of gas today. Therefore, I need a debit card. I obviously don't have one anymore, so I need to get a new one. You need photo ID to get a debit card, and so off to the DMV I went to replace my driver's license.
So I get to the DMV, only to find out that not only can I not get a driver's license without proof of Social Security, which I didn't have with me....I need to pay a 30 dollar fee. Since I definitely don't have 30 dollars cash laying around, this definitely means...I need a debit card.

Wunderbar.

The good news: I have a passport. If the bank doesn't count that as photo ID, I think I'll just give up and go live under a rock. Hooray.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

In which I tease your curiosity

I just looked through all the posts I've written, and realized how many I write and don't post. Some I start and never finish. Some, I write in the heat of an emotion and then wait to see if it will still be a good idea once the emotion has subsided. And some I write in blog form because typing releases my thoughts faster than hand-writing in my journal, but I'd never post these thoughts because of their sensitivity.

I've written five of the latter kind in the last month. Two in the last two days. Maybe I'll post some of them someday. Maybe I won't. Maybe I need to be braver.

Or maybe...I just wanted to tease you a little bit...see if you were still paying attention. ;)

In which I am contrary (old post that I just decided to publish)

I've never liked having things dictated to me. I sometimes like a little rebellion for it's own sake.
Theological argument at Family Home Evening? I play devil's advocate.
Blanket statements about why Batman is better than Superman? I take Superman's side (though I know Batman's better).
Everyone I know starts getting married? I take a vow of celibacy. (Well...for the time being at least).

I'm the one who doesn't actually watch R-rated movies, but who gets defensive when you tell me I can't watch them.

I'm the one who could easily come in before midnight, but once the Honor Code tells me I have to, I don't want to anymore.

I'm the one who is perfectly fine to sit and wait for good things to happen, but once someone tells me I have to be patient, it suddenly feels impossible.

How's that for a stupid worldview?

Saturday, August 14, 2010

In which I notice a family resemblance

Today I was in my kitchen, chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool....when my 8 year-old sister suddenly appeared right in my face and yelled out, "SHOES!!!"
After an initial blank pause, I asked, "Um...what about shoes, babe?"
"You're wearing them," she stated with a smile.

Yep, that kid's definitely related to me.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Poem form of the day/week/whatevs: Limerick

There once was a young girl named Riss,
whose life would be untempered bliss,
were it not for the friction
caused by Internet addiction,
so she spends her nights writing on this.

There once was a girl who loved Guster,
And with all the love she could muster,
she listened and sang,
as the chords they all rang,
With such music, she'd never feel flustered,

There once was a girl late at night,
who blogged as a form of respite,
from her grown-up chores,
(balancing checkbooks and more)
but now wonders if it was right.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

In which I state many unpopular opinions

Dria and I used to play a game where we would shout out political and cultural buzzwords, chosen specifically to generate controversy. These hot-button words included, "Obamacare!" "Abortion!" "NCMO!" "Gay Marriage!" "Islam!" "R-rated movies!" "Caffeine!". The rule was, you could yell out the topic, but never actually state your opinion on it, and then just watch the people around you start to argue. We always wanted to try it on campus but it never quite made it out of the apartment. Now, I'm not trying to intentionally stir up controversy, but having just had a fascinating conversation on the need for honesty and diversity of opinion at BYU, I would like to share a few opinions I have that may or may not mesh with those of my peers.

I don't think caffeine is against the Word of Wisdom. Honestly, as a lifeguard, I feel better about downing some Dr. Pepper at the beginning of my shift than I would about falling asleep and letting someone drown.

If I don't get married before I graduate...I'll be happy.

I don't want to go on a mission. I never have. If I had been born a boy, I probably still wouldn't want to go. The fact that I was born a girl is an immense relief to me in that sense.

I don't think that an R-rating necessarily makes a movie off limits. There are a lot of PG-13 movies that I will never watch (or will never watch again), and a few R-rated movies I'd be totally fine with watching.

I think that gossiping is worse than swearing.

I don't think In 'N Out Burger is very good.

I don't like Twilight. However, I get annoyed by the people who rant about how terrible it is. Guys, Stephenie Meyer's writing is a lot better than most romance novelists out there. It's not classic literature, that's for sure, but she's a good storyteller and she's obviously appealing to a specific target audience. You are not in her target audience. Stop whining about it.

I don't really see why gay marriage is such a big deal.

I don't like Glenn Beck. Or Sean Hannity.

I don't think mental illness is a sign of weakness. Just because I don't always have "sunshine in my soul" doesn't mean I'm doing something wrong. The scriptures show multiple instances of disiples, prophets, and even the Savior himself feeling depressed. Don't try to tell me that they just "didn't have enough faith".

I would be totally ok with marrying someone who wasn't an RM.

The Honor Code really bothers me sometimes.

I like facial hair. A lot (see above).

I am a major opponent of NCMO. I think it's stupid, shallow, and selfish.

I love being single.

I think that the Simpson's is a great show in every sense possible.

I don't yet have a burning testimony of every aspect of the Church. My faith is much like Nephi's : "I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."

I don't think that we as Mormons have a monopoly on truth. Rather, I believe there is much that we can learn from our brothers and sisters of other faiths.

Mostly, I think that we at BYU (and elsewhere) tend to forget that we don't all have to think the same. Yes, we share many common beliefs. Yes, we're striving for unity. But I feel that sometimes we're all a little too afraid to rock the boat. I think we could do with a little more openness, a little more honesty, a little more willingness to admit our faults, express our differences, and share our burdens. Let's stop pretending we're all perfect. Let's stop pretending we're all the same. Let's say what we think, but say it with love.

In which I again wax poetic

Thy living water pours through me,
golden-glowing in thy Light,
dampening my dry and barren ground.
Making of me a more fertile soil.
A seed, burrowed deep within,
begins to take root, stretching out timid, hopeful tendrils.
But,
my heart
is a sieve.
And soon thy water trickles away,
unnoticed at first, until
the earth dries, hardens, cracks.
The seed, the sprout, withers,
my desperate tears a poor substitute for that first watering.
Perhaps the stream was imagined after all?
'Twould be a tempting thought, were it not for
a dampened spot remaining.
A poor oasis in my desert.

Oh Lord, I shrink to ask thee to
send thy rains again,
for I fear my sieve will again betray me.
And so I ask,
remake my sieve.
Mold me.
Fire me in thy kiln,
e'en thy refiner's fire.
Make me tight like unto a dish,
a fitting vessel for thy love,
fertile ground for thy word.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

summer makes my brain flabby...

Today I learned that my brain tires infinitely faster than my body. Evidently, while my body has become a browned, toned, fit version of its winter self, my intellect has grown weak, easily exhaustable, and adipose. This morning I woke up at 5:30 and spent 3 hours running around 7 peaks helping pull "victims" out of the water, allowing my fellow lifeguards to strap me to a backboard, and *cough cough* kicking absolute butt in the CPR competition, all as a part of the Utah Valley Lifeguard Games. Then, I stayed for another hour riding slides with my guard buddies, drove straight to Utah Lake for some tubing and (attempted) wakeboarding with my family, came home, cleaned the boat, and still had enough energy that I'd planned to go on an 11-mile run.
And then I decided to figure out my fall schedule. For the past hour I've been staring at the computer screen, debating such important questions as , "Will I die if I take nothing but music classes in the Fall? Maybe I should supplement it with French...", "Will I die if I try to take French?" "How are all these classes going to work out with my work schedule?", "Why am I trying to hold a job during school AGAIN? Did I not see how badly that turned out last time?", "What's this fuzzy, numbing feeling in my brain? It makes me feel like...like...zzzzzzzzz......."
Yes, folks, it's true. I've gone soft. Or maybe my mental endurance was just never all that great to begin with. Suffice it to say, I'm bushed. Time to take a nap. And to definitely NOT run 11 miles.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Rain brings water flowing to things growing in the ground.

I find it interesting that crying is often simply equated with sadness.
It seems to me that tears serve to indicate how much emotion someone's feeling, but the presence of tears says jack squat about what that emotion actually is.
In fact, just for fun, let's make a list of all the emotions tears could indicate:
Sadness (obviously)
Frustration
Pain
Misery
Hopelessness
Despair
Fear
Grief
Sorrow
Anger
Confusion
Desperation
Bitterness
Exhaustion
Relief
Nostalgia
Surprise
Absolution
Discovery
Fulfillment
Humility
Regret
Joy
Love
Longing
Mirth
Overwhelmedness (is that a word?)
Awe
Spirituality
Happiness

Also, a million more emotions that don't come to mind right now, as well as the infinite number of combinations that we can create from this list (because, I don't know about you, but I rarely feel just "sad" or just "happy". For example, right now I'm feeling "exhausted-melancholy-brave-optimistic-satisfied").

So, yes, I've been crying all morning.

But...goodness, I feel great.