Sunday, April 12, 2015

In Which I Am Lonely

Not long ago, loneliness, for me, was inevitable. My roommates would leave on their dates, or to the library to study, or to their graveyard shifts, and I would be left alone. Sometimes I would try to make plans with other friends, and sometimes I would be successful. Sometimes I would call my mom or my sister and catch up. But often I would find myself at home with nobody to talk to, knowing that there was nobody who actively desired my presence. I got accustomed to the dull ache and learned how to work around it and to distract myself, but time and time again, it came back.

This evening, I feel that ache again. I desperately wish there were somebody home to talk to, to laugh with, or just to sit by. I am craving companionship and I don't know where to find it. It's been so long since I had to deal with this kind of loneliness, and I don't remember how I used to numb it. It hurts.

But in a strange way, I relish the pain. Its very unfamiliarity is a reminder of the goodness that is my life these days. I get to spend each day with my best friend, and when I'm not with him, I'm either working at a job I love, spending time with friends or family, or relishing my alone time. I still experience depression, anxiety, and stress on a fairly frequent basis, but loneliness? It's almost unheard of now.

So, tonight I feel lonely. And I am grateful, because it reminds me of the time where loneliness was everywhere, and how much has changed since then.