Sunday, April 12, 2015

In Which I Am Lonely

Not long ago, loneliness, for me, was inevitable. My roommates would leave on their dates, or to the library to study, or to their graveyard shifts, and I would be left alone. Sometimes I would try to make plans with other friends, and sometimes I would be successful. Sometimes I would call my mom or my sister and catch up. But often I would find myself at home with nobody to talk to, knowing that there was nobody who actively desired my presence. I got accustomed to the dull ache and learned how to work around it and to distract myself, but time and time again, it came back.

This evening, I feel that ache again. I desperately wish there were somebody home to talk to, to laugh with, or just to sit by. I am craving companionship and I don't know where to find it. It's been so long since I had to deal with this kind of loneliness, and I don't remember how I used to numb it. It hurts.

But in a strange way, I relish the pain. Its very unfamiliarity is a reminder of the goodness that is my life these days. I get to spend each day with my best friend, and when I'm not with him, I'm either working at a job I love, spending time with friends or family, or relishing my alone time. I still experience depression, anxiety, and stress on a fairly frequent basis, but loneliness? It's almost unheard of now.

So, tonight I feel lonely. And I am grateful, because it reminds me of the time where loneliness was everywhere, and how much has changed since then.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

In which I become reacquainted with an old hobby

Recently, I reintroduced myself to my old friend, the sewing machine. I had five very large windows and access to a room full of free fabric, so I decided that I should make some curtains. Now, I haven't actually sewn anything since I was about 13, besides a few errant buttons. I have fond elementary school memories of helping my mom with sewing projects, making a pair of pajama pants for my Dad one Christmas, and making a pillowcase in 7th grade home ec. However, sometime around 8th grade I stopped sewing. Maybe it was because I strongly, strongly disliked my 8th grade sewing teacher. Maybe it was a misguided attempt to reject stereotypically feminine gender roles. Maybe I just knew my mom wanted me to learn to sew and I was being a punk. Who knows. All I know is that even though all I've made so far is a set of really simple curtains, I am in love with this hobby. The hypnotizing clacking of the machine, the precision involved in measuring, cutting, and pressing, and the satisfaction of looking at your finished's just awesome. All of it.

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Thursday, December 4, 2014

In which I have learned a few things this week

  • If you are teaching at a school with a population largely made up of refugees and immigrants, you cannot assume that anyone, even the sixth graders, knows the lyrics to "Jingle Bells."
  • Second, fourth, fifth, and sixth graders can handle singing "don we now our gay apparel" without giggling about the word "gay." Third graders cannot.
  • Procrastinating going to bed does give me more time to hang out with my husband. However, it also makes me lethargic, cranky, and late for work the next day.
  • Jeans are not professional enough to wear to work. Unless they have a weird pattern or a bright color. Then they magically transform into business casual (my mint skinny jeans are really happy about this). 
  • Audiobooks can make a 45 minute commute bearable in a way that the radio never will.
It's been an instructive week, to say the least.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

In which I use my lunch break to whine.

You know, I never really believed that teacher burnout was a thing that would happen to me.

I would read all these articles about new teachers leaving the profession in droves, exhausted by how much they had to do and I would smugly think, "Well, yeah, but that's never going to happen to me because I love teaching and I love music and I love kids, so I'll just always want to do this."

Oh, my friends, my friends. I spoke too soon.

I have been a real, actual teacher for just over two months now.

And today, I hate it.

Today, I want to quit.

Today, I want to go find some job where I don't have to interact with children and I can just have scintillating conversations with adults and data entry or something easy. And I'm sure a cushy job like that doesn't actually exist, everything has a stressful, hard side, but I just want something that is not this.

I'm sick of being sassed and talked back to. I'm sick of seeing kids zoning out while I teach and knowing it's because my lesson isn't as engaging as I thought it was. I hate that my students either don't take me seriously or hate my class because I'm "mean". I swear I learned all of these foolproof tricks to keep these things from happening back in my college theory classes, but I can't remember most of them, and I think I must be doing the rest of them wrong.

I guess I just have spent the last 6 years thinking this was something I would love and be really good at, and I feel like I'm not good at it and I don't love it and I just want to go home but I have like three more hours before that can happen.

And maybe it's because I'm getting over an awful cold (but I'm still not sick enough to make writing a sub plan worth it). And maybe it's because I'm new at this, and as I get better at teaching, it will become more enjoyable. And maybe I'm just having an off week.

But today, I just kind of want to throw in the towel on this whole teaching thing. Is there anything else I'm qualified for?

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

In which I learn how to operate a die cut machine

Guys, one of my schools has dinosaur die cuts.

This is the greatest thing.

I mean, it would make decorating my teaching space easier if they had music note die cuts, but still...DINOSAURS.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

In which I've got all this free time and it's super weird.

Yesterday I learned that there is no graceful way to answer the question, "What are you up to these days?" when you're up to absolutely nothing.

See, I graduated. And then I was substitute teaching. And then I was taking a two-week Kodaly course at BYU. But all of those are over now, and I've got about three weeks until the next adventure, which isn't enough time to get a job or anything, so I'm still kind of working on figuring out ways to use the time. Which makes answering questions about my daily activities kind of interesting. Explaining the situation in its entirety takes a little long, and, well, I'll let you see the other answers I've come up with.

"What are you up to these days, Karissa?"

  • "Oh, you know...nothing."
  • "I'm between life stages at the moment."
  • "Being unemployed. It's great. Oh, no, you don't need to put in a good word for me anywhere. I don't actually want a job right now.../"
  • "Well, yesterday I cleaned my apartment so thoroughly that I ran out of cleaning supplies!"
  • "Donating plasma as often as possible. Did you know they give you a free T-shirt the first time?"
  • "Trying to use up all of the gift certificates I've acquired in my time in Provo. I'm almost halfway done!"
  • "I mostly just sit on the couch counting the hours until my boyfriend gets home so I can make out with him."

Yeah, my life sounds pretty lame from the outside. But I'm working on some good ways to fill the time. I have a few musical instruments I need to learn before the school year starts, and a crock pot that has still never been used. So maybe I'll have better answers soon. In the meantime, any good suggestions for how I can succinctly answer people's inquiries about my life?

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

If I were still a blogger...

I feel like I've lost the whatever-it-was that made me a blogger. That fire where words would build up inside of me and I had to rush to my computer and type until they were out. Which is a shame, because if I still had that fire, if I were still a blogger, there is so much I would tell you.

I would tell you about the bike ride I went on the other day, and how I stopped by the river and watched it awhile, thinking of how such a calm thing can seem so terrifying when you watch it long enough, trampling itself in a rush to get downstream, like a stampede out of a burning movie theater, or tomorrow morning coming sooner than you'd like.

I would tell you about the 5.10c I climbed day before yesterday, and the satisfaction I felt when I high-fived the chains at the top.

I would tell you about how I'm sick this week, and spend every minute of my sub job hoping that the next class will decide they don't need to come to music today so I can rest...and how, since it's the last week of school, my wish is often granted.

I would tell you about how so many of my best friends are getting married and having babies lately, and how happy I am for them.

I would tell you about the amazing roommates I've had this year, the job I found for the fall, and my sweet, wonderful boyfriend.

I would tell you how hard I find it to lose weight while still maintaining a positive body image, and how I wish I could go back to my high school metabolism.

And maybe I will later. But for today, I am all out of words.