In Which I Am Alive

Dear Karissa, Where have you gone? I miss you. I know I agreed to cover for you, live your life while you were gone, but I thought you were only taking off for a couple of days. Not the whole semester. I mean, I know you've stopped in now and again and I appreciate that. You came to the music preschool last week to play with Leyla and Niko and all the other kids. And there is that certain boy who can sometimes tempt you to come back. But then you disappear as soon as you arrived. I'm pretty good at pretending to be you, but my disguise is slipping. This morning Sister Kenney commented that my teaching lacks passion and commitment. If it had been you teaching, there would have been passion and energy up the wazoo. And it's only a matter of time before Dr. Shumway notices, since I simply don't play the piano as well as you do. I don't do school as well as you do. I'm terribly shy and can't even handle basic social situations as well as you. I just ca...

I wonder.... Maybe when God led the Hebrews wander-ways through the wilderness, He let them stop to rest at times. And maybe they started to get comfortable, thinking that this was it, the Promised Land, not just another place to camp. And then the next morning...or the next week...or the next month...whenever...when Moses finally called "Pack up your tents! We're moving out!", they moaned. They didn't realize that the full richness of Canaan lay further on, far more bounteous than their small oasis. But maybe once they finally got there, they were afraid. Afraid that maybe this wasn't the real Promised Land, but just another campsite along the way. Afraid that maybe this was just another nest for the fiery flying serpents. Afraid to be disappointed. Maybe every morning they listened with bated breath for the call to keep moving, to journey on. Maybe some never did unpack all the way, never quite let themselves feel at home in the Promised Land.

I've repeated this to myself more times than I can count in the weeks since school started, and it's been an invaluable calming mechanism. Thought I'd share: "Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." - Dune , Frank Herbert

Sometimes I make plans. Sometimes these plans are for the day: move in on Tuesday. Sometimes these plans are for the semester: take a lot of crazy hard classes so I have no time for life. Sometimes these plans are for the year: lifeguard/teach lessons at the pool. And...sometimes I hold on so tightly to these plans that having the very rigidity stresses me out, but I'm afraid to let go and surrender to the unknown. But today I let go. I have to move in on Thursday. And I am happy. The pool has decided not to keep me for the fall/winter. And so I will have time to do homework. My schedule for fall is not the most rigorous I could possibly handle. And I am trying not to feel guilty about that. And I feel good. Actually, I might just feel good because I'm listening to "7/4 shoreline" by Broken Social Scene, and it's my new favorite song on earth. Guys, it's actually in 7/4!!! (I just discovered Broken Social Scene for myself today. Brenton, if you st...

A week ago, I lost my wallet. I've searched frantically, and have determined that it was probably stolen out of my locker at work. Awesome. So today, I began my quest to replace it's contents, and have become increasingly incensed with the paradoxical nature of this process. I need to buy a tank of gas today. Therefore, I need a debit card. I obviously don't have one anymore, so I need to get a new one. You need photo ID to get a debit card, and so off to the DMV I went to replace my driver's license. So I get to the DMV, only to find out that not only can I not get a driver's license without proof of Social Security, which I didn't have with me....I need to pay a 30 dollar fee. Since I definitely don't have 30 dollars cash laying around, this definitely means...I need a debit card. Wunderbar. The good news: I have a passport. If the bank doesn't count that as photo ID, I think I'll just give up and go live under a rock. Hooray.

I just looked through all the posts I've written, and realized how many I write and don't post. Some I start and never finish. Some, I write in the heat of an emotion and then wait to see if it will still be a good idea once the emotion has subsided. And some I write in blog form because typing releases my thoughts faster than hand-writing in my journal, but I'd never post these thoughts because of their sensitivity. I've written five of the latter kind in the last month. Two in the last two days. Maybe I'll post some of them someday. Maybe I won't. Maybe I need to be braver. Or maybe...I just wanted to tease you a little bit...see if you were still paying attention. ;)

I've never liked having things dictated to me. I sometimes like a little rebellion for it's own sake. Theological argument at Family Home Evening? I play devil's advocate. Blanket statements about why Batman is better than Superman? I take Superman's side (though I know Batman's better). Everyone I know starts getting married? I take a vow of celibacy. (Well...for the time being at least). I'm the one who doesn't actually watch R-rated movies, but who gets defensive when you tell me I can't watch them. I'm the one who could easily come in before midnight, but once the Honor Code tells me I have to, I don't want to anymore. I'm the one who is perfectly fine to sit and wait for good things to happen, but once someone tells me I have to be patient, it suddenly feels impossible. How's that for a stupid worldview?