Aaron and I spoke in church last week, and I feel like I'm supposed to share it. I was assigned a topic I was terrified to speak about, and in the act of writing the talk, ended up learning a lot about myself. So here it is:
My topic today is, “Why I Believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.” I’ll admit that when I first heard that this was the topic, I had some misgivings. I would much rather have been assigned a more objective topic, where I could just tell you what the scriptures and modern revelation say about a specific doctrine, only briefly delving into my personal feelings. I tend to be deeply uncomfortable discussing my own spirituality with other people, especially a group of mostly strangers. To add to that, belief is not something that comes easily to me. My entire adult life, I have struggled to determine what I actually believe and why. Surely I am the wrong person to be speaking about this topic. When I shared this with Aaron, he was very understanding. He said I could ask for a new topic, or just go rogue and speak about something I felt more comfortable with. But, even though this is far outside my comfort zone, I felt like this was an important topic for me to engage with. I hope some of what I have to say will resonate and that the Holy Spirit will augment my message.
I have always been someone who wants to know everything, right now. If I’m watching a movie with someone and they casually say, “I know I’ve seen that actor in something else before, but I can’t remember what,” I will pull up their entire filmography on IMDB so we can figure it out. If someone makes an offhand remark wondering where a certain word came from, I can’t resist going on Wikipedia to find out. I love to solve puzzles, to find answers, and to learn. And I’m used to being able to find answers to questions as soon as they arise. Which means that gospel learning, the kind that happens “line upon line, precept upon precept” is incredibly frustrating for me. I don’t do well with patience, with questions that aren’t immediately answerable, or with ambiguity.
When I was younger and had a more simplistic understanding of the gospel, this wasn’t much of a problem. The “Primary answers” were enough to satisfy any questions that came up. But as I went deeper in my gospel learning, things got more difficult. I encountered scriptural passages that seemed to contradict each other. I learned unpleasant truths about individuals I had looked up to as shining examples of righteousness. I also realized that I didn’t always agree with everything I heard taught in seminary, in my church classes, and even in General Conference. I started to find it more and more difficult to hold onto the faith that used to come so easily to me.
This was incredibly distressing to me. I was doing everything right. Attending my meetings, reading my scriptures, saying my prayers. All the things that I thought would keep my testimony doubt-proof. And I still felt like my faith was growing more and more fragile by the day. This lasted for years.
This sounds like it all happened at once, but it didn’t. It was a process, over the course of several years. And it came and went in waves. Sometimes I was able to ignore my questions and focus on what I love about the gospel, and other times I would get caught up in a spiral of doubts and existential terror. And I guess I’ve used the past tense a lot in this description, but it’s something that still happens to me at times, and probably will happen again in the future. But in all that time, I have come to understand some important truths that have allowed me to handle the uncertainty that comes hand in hand with faith, and deepen my understanding of the gospel.
First, I have learned that it is actually one hundred percent okay to not know. In the Church, we are taught that, “by the power of the Holy Ghost, [we] may know the truth of all things,” and I think sometimes we assume that this means that this knowledge will be instant and complete. But the scriptures make clear that uncertainty and questioning are expected and even encouraged.
During His mortal ministry, Jesus didn’t require that His followers have a perfect understanding and knowledge of His gospel. In Mark 9, a desperate father comes to Jesus, asking Him to heal his son. Jesus says “All things are possible to him that believeth.” The father says, “Lord, I believe! Help thou mine unbelief,” Jesus doesn’t say, “Whoa there, you have unbelief? Well, I guess we’re done here.” He knows that, even if the man doesn’t have perfect knowledge, he believes enough to come to Jesus and ask for help. And Jesus honors that faith by healing the boy.
In the book of John, we find one of my very favorite stories, the story of Nathanael. When Nathanael’s friend Phillip approaches him, saying, “We have found him, of whom Moses in the law, and the prophets, did write, Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph,” Nathanael is skeptical. He says, “Can any good thing come out of Nazareth?” But he has enough faith, or at least enough curiosity, to go with Phillip to meet Jesus. This is my favorite part of the story: when Jesus sees Nathanael, he says, “Behold an Israelite indeed, in whom is no guile!”
He doesn’t say, “Look at this guy! He doesn’t believe in me, and thinks my hometown is terrible!” He doesn’t say, “Wow, Phillip instantly had a testimony of my divinity, and Nathanael didn’t. I guess he just wasn’t trying hard enough.”
He praises Nathanael for his lack of guile. Merriam-Webster online defines “guile” as “deceitful cunning.” In the scriptures, guile is often mentioned along with hypocrisy and deceit. In the Doctrine and Covenants 41, Edward Partridge is described as being someone without guile, whose “heart is pure before [the Lord]". In section 124, the Lord says that George Miller is without guile, and that “he may be trusted because of the integrity of his heart.”
So, as far as I understand it, Jesus is pointing out Nathanael’s sincerity. Rather than pretending to a knowledge he doesn’t have, Nathanael admits to not being sure about Jesus. And Jesus doesn’t condemn him for his uncertainty. On the contrary, he celebrates him for his honesty and integrity. And then he reveals himself to Nathanael, who says, “Rabbi, thou art the son of God; thou art the King of Israel.”
These stories tell me that God will never condemn us for not being completely sure. Even if we don’t have all the answers, He wants us to come to Him, and then He will make up the difference. As Alma says, “Even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you.” I have definitely had times where all I have is a desire to believe. It is so comforting to know that even this is enough for God to work with.
Another important truth I have learned is that not everyone’s faith journey will be the same, and that is how it is supposed to be. Doctrine and Covenants Section 46 describes a number of spiritual gifts and says, “For all have not every gift given unto them...to some is given one and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby.” It continues, “To some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that he was crucified for the sins of the world. To others it is given to believe on their words, that they might have eternal life if they continue faithful.”
So some people will have the gift of knowing that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. Others will not have the gift of knowing, but they will have the gift of believing the words of those who know.
And both groups of people will have eternal life if they continue faithful! “Knowing” isn’t described as being better or more likely to get you to heaven than “believing”. Both are gifts from God.
And I think the process by which we each come to know or to believe in Christ can vary from person to person. One person might find that reason and logic lead them to Christ. Another might feel strong emotions that confirm their testimony of the gospel. Others may simply notice that their lives are happier when they are keeping the commandments. And the way we feel the spirit and experience belief will probably change throughout the course of our lives, too! When I was a teenager, I “felt the Spirit” in big sweeping emotions, often accompanied by tears. Lately, I feel the Spirit more in small, subtle nudges and moments of clarity. And I’m sure in 20 years I will experience the Spirit differently than I do today.
Similarly, I think that even within the Church, we all vary in what we believe. I might struggle to accept some doctrines that you have a strong testimony of. An issue that is a stumbling block for you might be no big deal for your neighbor. Your questions will be different than my questions. You might be able to accept a principle instantly that I have to wrestle with for years. And this is all okay! This is the way things are designed, so that we can learn from and rely on each other. It also means that we shouldn’t be dismissive of somebody else’s sincere doubts simply because it isn’t something that has troubled us before. We need to recognize that everyone is on their own journey,
I don’t know everything yet. Sometimes I think I don’t know anything. In many ways, my testimony has become simpler over time, going back to the “Primary answers” of my childhood. I believe that I am a child of Heavenly Parents, who love me and want me to become my best self. I believe in my Savior Jesus Christ, and that through His atoning sacrifice, I can repent and become more like my Heavenly Parents. I believe that God answers prayers and speaks to us through inspired leaders and personal revelation. I believe that we are called to love God and to love one another. I believe because I have experienced God’s love and guidance in my life. I have had prayers answered. I have been strengthened by my faith in Christ. In the darkest times of my life, I have felt the comforting influence of the Holy Spirit. I look forward to spending the rest of my life asking questions, learning, and coming closer to God.
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