Thursday, November 5, 2009

Some thoughts on love

I know this is a somewhat radical concept in our society of fairy-tale ideals, but here goes: how bad is it to marry someone who you are not "in love" with? I'm not referring to marrying for money or convenience, or marrying someone you despise. I'm imagining a scenario in which you know someone very well, respect, admire, and even love them, but feel no romantic affection for them. Maybe you're even physically attracted to this person, but this attraction is something quite separate from your feelings for them as an individual. Is it so wrong to want to spend your life with someone who understands you, who you love to spend time with, and who makes you a better person, even if you don't get butterflies in your stomach when you hear their name and the the thought of them does not induce a giddy euphoria?
I mean, from what I've heard, the "in love " feeling usually fades some time into a marriage anyways, hopefully replaced by a deeper love that is "built" and not "fallen into."
I suppose the only dangers with this course are that you could later fall "in love" with someone else, or that you might always wonder what you missed out on. Obviously starting out "in love " may be more desirable than not. But I've often been counseled that in choosing a mate, being in love is not the most important thing to consider. I submit that it may not even be essential. Surely marrying someone you love and respect without romance is better than living life alone, or even marrying someone you're crazy for but who doesn't share your priorities, goals, or morals.
As a disclaimer, I should add that I've never actually been in love, as far as I know. I've had "crushes" on boys, and I have deeply cared about people before. But no feeling I have felt has approached the elusive "in love" I hear people talk about. In fact, I don't even know how to define "being in love." So maybe I'm missing the point here. Maybe it is something so great that you wouldn't want to marry without it, or live your life without having experienced it. But in my limited knowledge, it seems that someone could have a happy, loving marriage without being all mushy about each other beforehand.
Also, for any who may be concerned: I'm not getting married anytime soon. Not a chance of that. I was just thinking today and thought I'd post to see what others thought. Thoughts, anyone?


  1. I have to agree. Not everyone feels as the storybooks and love songs describe. And often this love or infatuation is more like a temporary heat wave than a permanent global warming. Don't despair if you don't happen to be struck by a bolt of love. It's not always quite as pleasant as it is cracked up to be anyway...

  2. I don't get it. I mean, I feel like both sides of the argument want the same thing. I think I felt this when you mentioned that you can marry someone you don't love, as long as you love and respect this person.

    I suppose you could have an argument about love vs. infatuation.

    I think I'd like both, but love is more important... but marriage I think is about so much more than just love. Like ya know, money, ambition, goals, lifestyle...

    and thus I, much like yourself, am not getting married anytime soon. Except I'm like 2 years older than you.

  3. A part of me says my last post was a bit too much material. Here's my eternal perspective: I want to date a boy, who's desires I come to care so deeply about, I put them before my own. I want to date a boy, who cares about me so deeply, he puts them before his own. And then we decide to get married with all those other factors involved.

    My favorite love story is the one where the girl cuts her hair to sell it so she can buy her husband a chain for his pocket watch, but he sells his pocket watch to buy the comb set she always wanted. Adorable!

    Shoot, I suppose I believe in love. Karissa, buck off your practical side and fall in love.

  4. Cindy~
    I think part of my problem was that I wasn't too clear on my definition of "falling in love." Maybe my post was more about the difference between infatuation and love. And maybe my lack of experience and perspective about love influenced the fact that I don't have a good working definition. I don't know. But Cindy, I like you.
    And Ammon, I like you too.

  5. Hey we're all single man. Just saying. That's one of my favorite parts about being single. Having other single people give each other advice on not being single. Shoot I've got experience yet to come. heh.

    As a secondary thought, I suppose I hope above all else, to find a boy who's desires I admire above all others; and somehow, he can find such admiration in me. Or maybe, what I'm really saying is, I'm attracted to boys with good intent (and skills), and I just keep hoping one of them will like me too.

    My friend explained to me once, that both parties in a relationship have to feel like they're getting the better end of the deal. So I've been working on my trickery skills. Alright, I'm just kidding.