Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The Hole in the Wall

Why is it so hard for me to talk about how I'm really feeling? Why do I have such a hard time letting people in? Or...some people at least. And at some levels. I feel like to a certain extent, I'm a pretty open person. I'm all right with sharing my surface feelings, and even most below-the-surface feelings, goals, dreams and thoughts, with my close friends. But then, after a certain extent, I put up a wall. NOBODY gets past that wall. Ever.
Except...what if I let someone..not..get past the wall but...maybe look through a tiny hole worn into the wall? And what if they understood what they saw and wanted to see more?
If that happened....part of me would want to make the hole in the wall bigger, let them see more, just so I could know they understood, so I wouldn't have to try so hard to keep it secret.
But...a big part of me would want to hurry and block up the wall, and maybe make the rest of the wall even stronger so no more holes would get worn into it.
Because...what if this person liked what they saw behind my wall, and I let them keep looking, and the hole got bigger and bigger until they finally climbed through?
That would be terrible. A disaster. (....would it? says the other part of me)
Or what if they push against the wall so hard that it weakens and crumbles and nothing else stands to protect me?
What if the wall is what gives me shape, and once it falls down, I'll trickle out everywhere, dissipate, and eventually vanish?
What if by sharing myself, I run out of "me" to share?

1 comment:

  1. That reminds me of this (by me!):

    Trained, trained to protect inside
    Every day a brick was put in place
    Years and years past away
    The wall was made strong

    Many people met the wall
    They saw it and turned away
    Others threw arrows across
    Causing the wall to grow high

    Some would push with their hands
    Making no difference at all
    Very few would find the weak spot
    Grab something to try and knock it down
    Or scale the wall and on making it over
    Make a quick tour before being thrown out

    Being taught that perhaps
    The walls needn’t be so high
    So strong, so hard to get through
    Taking down the wall
    Is a very scary thing to do

    What if a sudden attack should come?
    What if a traitor appears?
    What if people laugh
    At the thing lying hidden within?

    Breaking two bricks off,
    Placing another brick on
    Suddenly an army is seen from afar
    They had once attacked
    But now appear friendly
    Scared the wall is reinforced
    Then it takes a while to remove
    The bricks from the new cement now dry

    Who and what can you trust
    When protecting so vulnerable a heart?