Why is it so hard for me to talk about how I'm really feeling? Why do I have such a hard time letting people in? Or...some people at least. And at some levels. I feel like to a certain extent, I'm a pretty open person. I'm all right with sharing my surface feelings, and even most below-the-surface feelings, goals, dreams and thoughts, with my close friends. But then, after a certain extent, I put up a wall. NOBODY gets past that wall. Ever.
Except...what if I let someone..not..get past the wall but...maybe look through a tiny hole worn into the wall? And what if they understood what they saw and wanted to see more?
If that happened....part of me would want to make the hole in the wall bigger, let them see more, just so I could know they understood, so I wouldn't have to try so hard to keep it secret.
But...a big part of me would want to hurry and block up the wall, and maybe make the rest of the wall even stronger so no more holes would get worn into it.
Because...what if this person liked what they saw behind my wall, and I let them keep looking, and the hole got bigger and bigger until they finally climbed through?
That would be terrible. A disaster. (....would it? says the other part of me)
Or what if they push against the wall so hard that it weakens and crumbles and nothing else stands to protect me?
What if the wall is what gives me shape, and once it falls down, I'll trickle out everywhere, dissipate, and eventually vanish?
What if by sharing myself, I run out of "me" to share?