Sunday, January 17, 2010

I want you to want me, I'd love you to love me...but I don't need you to need me.

I am afraid to be needed.
I know I'm weak, and I know I can't possibly fulfill even my own psychological, emotional and social needs, let alone those of another person. I'm afraid to let down someone I care about.
I worry that if someone becomes too emotionally reliant on me, it will cease to matter whether they like me, love me, enjoy my company, or want to be with me. They just need me, that's all. And when the need is gone, they will be too.
And in friendships like this, I can't trust my feelings. Do I actually like this friend, do I actually care about them? Or do I just like the appreciation, the importance of being needed? I don't like that sometimes I look at some of the people closest to me as projects, as items on a checklist. Sometimes I feel like all I am is a life preserver, only to be cast aside once the shore is reached. I want to be here for people. I want to help someone, a lot of someones. But I don't want to be needed. I want to be unnecessary, but loved and cherished anyway. Not a crutch, or a lifeline, or a tool. A person. A friend.
I once wrote in my journal, "I was thinking today that maybe real love isn't just someone to be sad with, its someone to be happy with. It's not just arms to comfort you when you cry, it's someone to smile with, play with, share hopes with. Perhaps it is time to put away my dreams of a rescuer, someone who will negate my sadness, and rather seek a friend and companion who will augment my happiness." By extension, I want someone who wants me because I make him happier, not because I save him from being sad. Someone who still wants to be with me when the storm is past, who wants to share not only his sorrow but his happiness and fun with me.
I want to be wanted, loved, and appreciated.
But not needed. Not anymore.

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