In Which I Am Alive

Today is New Year's Eve, and as I've been doing the very New Year's Eve thing of looking back on my year, I've realized there is not much to look back on. It wasn't a bad year, and by global standards, it was absolutely an eventful one, but in the Evensen house? Nothing really major happened. I didn't give birth, or start a new job, or undergo a faith transition. We didn't move across the country or survive a global pandemic. Nobody had a mental health crisis or visited the hospital. I don't think we even met our health insurance deductible. The last time I had a year this uneventful was in 2016, when the most notable thing that happened was taking a road trip with my in-laws (that was a harrowing experience in its own right, but definitely not on a par with buying a house or like...childbirth). The past several years, I've gotten to the end of December and felt a sense of accomplishment at just having survived the year. Now I've finally had a ch...

Aaron and I spoke in church last week, and I feel like I'm supposed to share it. I was assigned a topic I was terrified to speak about, and in the act of writing the talk, ended up learning a lot about myself. So here it is: My topic today is, “Why I Believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.” I’ll admit that when I first heard that this was the topic, I had some misgivings. I would much rather have been assigned a more objective topic, where I could just tell you what the scriptures and modern revelation say about a specific doctrine, only briefly delving into my personal feelings. I tend to be deeply uncomfortable discussing my own spirituality with other people, especially a group of mostly strangers. To add to that, belief is not something that comes easily to me. My entire adult life, I have struggled to determine what I actually believe and why. Surely I am the wrong person to be speaking about this topic. When I shared this with Aaron, he was very understanding. He said I could ...

An Internet community I frequent recently discussed the question: "What is a small good thing that has happened in your life lately?" And I realized that lately my life has abounded with small, good things. 1) My husband learned how to make Pad Thai and has made it twice in the last week and a half. He is very good at it and it is awesome. 2) My mentor told me that I'm doing a great job as a teacher. On a day when I was frustrated with 6th graders who refused to participate and 3rd graders determined to sow chaos, this meant a crazy amount. 3) I've been going to therapy, and it's working! I'm learning some simple strategies to cope with my anxiety, and I haven't had an anxiety attack in over two weeks. Everyone, go to therapy. 4) A little boy in one of my special ed classes sang yesterday! I'd never even heard him talk before, and he was singing every single song word for word, perfectly in tune. I wanted to give him the biggest squeeze in the ...

I've been trying to stay optimistic about the results of the election, and not to get caught up in worst-case scenario thinking. But I'm also realizing that optimism is a luxury I can afford because as a white, straight Christian, I don't have much to worry about with a Trump presidency. I don't have to worry about half my family being deported. I'm not worried that my marriage won't be legally recognized anymore or that people will be able to deny me service because of my sexual orientation. I won't ever be targeted as a potential terrorist because of my religious affiliation. The rise of hate crimes that has been noted this week will probably not affect me. So yeah, it's really easy for me to say "Maybe it won't be so bad!" Because for me, it probably won't. So I'm still going to hope for the best, but I think it's important to recognize that for some folks, things are looking kind of scary. And that means that those...

When I hear the word "adventure," I usually envision a positive experience. Traipsing over new territory, catching my breath at gorgeous vistas, feeling the thrill of discovery. Sometimes I forget that a true adventure carries an inherent risk-the chance that something horrible could happen at any minute. I remember huddling in prayer with some girls from my high school track team at the start of the meet. There were storm clouds threatening, and were dreading the prospect of running in the rain. The girl giving the prayer started out normal, asking that we would be given mental and physical strength to run our races. But then she added, "And please bless that this will be an adventure." We all audibly groaned. We didn't want an adventure at that moment. We wanted the rain to go away so we could run our freaking races. I didn't want an adventure that Tuesday in May. My little brother and I were going rock climbing for the first time this season. I met him ...

I had ice cream for breakfast today. And also yesterday. And I know that's super unhealthy, and I'm trying to make better choices and lose weight, and all of that, but hear me out. We were out of all of the breakfast foods. No cereal or milk. No bread for toast. No eggs. No yogurt to put in a smoothie. All we had was oatmeal. Don't get me wrong, I love oatmeal. But the past several times I've tried to make it, it has exploded all over the inside of my microwave. It even happens if I take the oatmeal out and stir it halfway through cooking. Maybe this microwave is hotter than my old one? I don't know. Maybe I've wronged it somehow and this is its revenge. So this morning I was sitting in the kitchen trying to decide if it was worth it to make a bowl of oatmeal when most of it would end up splattered around the inside of the microwave when finally, I got too hungry to make the decision anymore and just got myself a bowl of chocolate ice cream instead. And then ano...

I did a lot of things this summer. I completed the second level of my Kodaly teaching certification. I grew a vegetable garden. I volunteered at a community center near my house. I went to the zoo. I planned a birthday party for my husband. I went camping. I spent time with friends. I visited the Dominican Republic. I went on a road trip with my in-laws. I went to two different family reunions. I joined a Masters swim team. I got caught up on doctor's appointments (dentist, gynecologist, eye doctor, voice therapy, etc)  I went to Idaho and back in one day for a friend's wedding. I started teaching piano lessons. I completed hikes that had been on my to-do list for years. I saw Mount Rushmore. And I read a ton of books. And yet, when I think back on my summer, my brain skips over all of this and gets stuck on the days I spent binge-watching "The Office" (I watched all 9 seasons this summer). Instead of remembering the new friends I've made in my ward, I remembe...

Before I got married, I used to swear up and down that Aaron and I would never be one of "those" couples. You know, the ones who, upon getting married, retreat into their married bliss and completely ignore their friends forever. No, I was sure that I'd spend just as much time with my friends after I got married as I did before.  I was wrong. I've been married for a year and a half, and I rarely see or talk to most of my friends. Many of them have graduated and moved away, some have had babies, and some I just....haven't made time for. My ability to make new friends also seems to have completely disappeared. I can do small talk and casual aquaintanceship just fine, but moving to actual friend level? I have no idea how to make that happen. There are a few reasons for this. First, before I was married, I lived with some of my best friends, so it was pretty easy to make time for them. The friends I didn't live with still mostly lived within a few blocks. It...

I have a student (let's call him Max) who has been giving me trouble all year. He is often defiant, refuses to participate or to follow any directions, and stirs up the other kids to make mischief as well. On multiple occasions, he's started running in circles around my room screaming to avoid doing what he's supposed to be doing. Nobody has known what to do with him: not the classroom teacher, not the principal, and definitely not me. Last week, after a particularly rough class, I kept him after class to talk about his behavior. I tried to explain why his behavior was inappropriate and unacceptable while he kept dinking away on a xylophone he'd pulled off of my shelf--without my permission, I might add. I was getting frustrated that he wasn't listening when he suddenly looked up at me, no trace of anger or defiance on his face, and said, "Mrs. E, I just really love playing instruments." Well, I was floored. I wasn't aware that "Max" love...

Last week, my mom had me go through some boxes of my stuff from junior high and high school to get rid of whatever I didn't want anymore (apparently my parents' house doesn't have infinite space?) In the process, I found something bizarre. Something glorious. Something I had completely forgotten existed.  It was....the Man in a Can! So, the Man in a Can was an activity we did for my church Young Women's group when I was 14. We cut out pictures of wedding dresses, color schemes, and rings, made lists of attributes we wanted in a future husband, and picked out names for our future children ("So, basically pre-Internet Pinterest," says my brother). Then, each of us sealed up the contents of our wishful wedding planning in a Number 10 can, to be opened only when we had become engaged. So here I was, face to face with my DIY Pinterest Time Capsule, opening it a year and a half late. I remembered the activity; I also remembered having a really bad attitude about...

This year, I set a New Year's resolution that I've been trying to bring myself to set for a few years. I decided that I would lose 20 pounds by the end of the year. For the past three years, I've been skirting around the issue, pretending I don't care, and basically doing nothing. So what that I'm almost thirty pounds heavier than I was five years ago? Bodies change, man. I was training for a half marathon five years ago, and I sure don't have time for that now. I would tell myself that the only healthy outlook was to love myself as I was, which meant accepting those extra thirty pounds as a welcome part of me. I told myself that trying to lose weight would only lead to extreme dieting, anxiety, and probably profound disappointment. I reasoned that it was just too hard, I couldn't do it, and it would make more sense to just accept my new size as normal. And I was ready to leave it at that, except that I couldn't. It kept nagging at me. This extra...

Well, you may have noticed that my Johnny Karate blog series lasted exactly one post. I'm not going to make any apologies or give any excuses for that. But after a seven month blogging hiatus, I think I'm ready to start writing again. I don't know what shape this blog will take or what purpose it will serve. It used to be a journal of sorts, a place to vent my thoughts when I didn't know who to share them with. I have an unprecedented level of support in my life now, and my mental health is much better than when I was blogging the most, so I don't need this blog to be therapy for me anymore. But I do know that I miss writing. I know that these days blogs are supposed to have a theme or a niche or some unifying feature. For the past seven months I've been trying to choose an angle: do I want this to be a lifestyle blog (whatever the heck that is)? A blog about living in Provo? A religiously-themed blog? A blog full of stirring essays about my deepest inner feel...

Well, today is Tuesday, which means it is time to report on my first week living the Johnny Karate Way!  So, here is what I did! Make Something : We did a lot of art projects at work this past week (professional development for the art teachers, fun for the rest of us), and my favorite was making these tissue paper flowers . It's super easy! The ones that I made look halfway decent, even though I am seriously disabled at crafts. I think I'll have my students make these for May Day next year. Learn Something : Did you know that there used to be whales with legs? It's true! Sort of! At least, the direct ancestors of whales were land mammals who had legs and webbed feet (kind of like sea lions). Also, I learned that ladybugs lay extra, unfertilized eggs for their babies to eat upon hatching. So that's neat. These are the cool things you learn when you go to the Natural History Museum of Utah . Seriously, everyone go there. It is gorgeous and you can learn about wh...

Well, this blog has gotten a bit dusty, but seeing as the school year is ending any second now (actually, in three days, but whatever), I thought I'd pull it back out and give this whole creativity thing a whirl. And I actually have an idea for a blogging project that's been fermenting for a couple months now. Hopefully this will keep my brain from atrophying too much during the break. If you know me at all, you know that I am a huge fan of the recently-ended show, Parks and Recreation . I didn't know that a TV show could be so simultaneously hilarious, emotionally engaging, and just....goodhearted. Aaron and I started watching it together when we were dating, and soon we referenced our "Pawnee friends" in conversation the same way we would discuss any other mutual friends. Parks and Rec  has been, literally, the most influential TV show of my life. All right, so, the project! In the final season of Parks , Andy Dwyer, the series' lovable buffoon, has cr...

Not long ago, loneliness, for me, was inevitable. My roommates would leave on their dates, or to the library to study, or to their graveyard shifts, and I would be left alone. Sometimes I would try to make plans with other friends, and sometimes I would be successful. Sometimes I would call my mom or my sister and catch up. But often I would find myself at home with nobody to talk to, knowing that there was nobody who actively desired my presence. I got accustomed to the dull ache and learned how to work around it and to distract myself, but time and time again, it came back. This evening, I feel that ache again. I desperately wish there were somebody home to talk to, to laugh with, or just to sit by. I am craving companionship and I don't know where to find it. It's been so long since I had to deal with this kind of loneliness, and I don't remember how I used to numb it. It hurts. But in a strange way, I relish the pain. Its very unfamiliarity is a reminder of the g...

Recently, I reintroduced myself to my old friend, the sewing machine. I had five very large windows and access to a room full of free fabric, so I decided that I should make some curtains. Now, I haven't actually sewn anything since I was about 13, besides a few errant buttons. I have fond elementary school memories of helping my mom with sewing projects, making a pair of pajama pants for my Dad one Christmas, and making a pillowcase in 7th grade home ec. However, sometime around 8th grade I stopped sewing. Maybe it was because I strongly, strongly  disliked my 8th grade sewing teacher. Maybe it was a misguided attempt to reject stereotypically feminine gender roles. Maybe I just knew my mom wanted me to learn to sew and I was being a punk. Who knows. All I know is that even though all I've made so far is a set of really simple curtains, I am in love with this hobby. The hypnotizing clacking of the machine, the precision involved in measuring, cutting, and pressing, and the sat...

If you are teaching at a school with a population largely made up of refugees and immigrants, you cannot assume that anyone, even the sixth graders, knows the lyrics to "Jingle Bells." Second, fourth, fifth, and sixth graders can handle singing "don we now our gay apparel" without giggling about the word "gay." Third graders cannot. Procrastinating going to bed does give me more time to hang out with my husband. However, it also makes me lethargic, cranky, and late for work the next day. Jeans are not professional enough to wear to work. Unless they have a weird pattern or a bright color. Then they magically transform into business casual (my mint skinny jeans are really happy about this).  Audiobooks can make a 45 minute commute bearable in a way that the radio never will. It's been an instructive week, to say the least.

You know, I never really believed that teacher burnout was a thing that would happen to me. I would read all these articles about new teachers leaving the profession in droves, exhausted by how much they had to do and I would smugly think, "Well, yeah, but that's never going to happen to me because I love  teaching and I love  music and I love kids, so I'll just always want to do this." Oh, my friends, my friends. I spoke too soon. I have been a real, actual teacher for just over two months now. And today, I hate it. Today, I want to quit. Today, I want to go find some job where I don't have to interact with children and I can just have scintillating conversations with adults and like...do data entry or something easy. And I'm sure a cushy job like that doesn't actually exist, everything has a stressful, hard side, but I just want something that is not this. I'm sick of being sassed and talked back to. I'm sick of seeing kids zoning o...

Guys, one of my schools has dinosaur die cuts. This is the greatest thing.   I mean, it would make decorating my teaching space easier if they had music note die cuts, but still...DINOSAURS.    

Yesterday I learned that there is no graceful way to answer the question, "What are you up to these days?" when you're up to absolutely nothing. See, I graduated. And then I was substitute teaching. And then I was taking a two-week Kodaly course at BYU. But all of those are over now, and I've got about three weeks until the next adventure, which isn't enough time to get a job or anything, so I'm still kind of working on figuring out ways to use the time. Which makes answering questions about my daily activities kind of interesting. Explaining the situation in its entirety takes a little long, and, well, I'll let you see the other answers I've come up with. "What are you up to these days, Karissa?" "Oh, you know...nothing." "I'm between life stages at the moment." "Being unemployed. It's great. Oh, no, you don't need to put in a good word for me anywhere. I don't actually want a job right now.....