In Which I Am Alive

Let me tell you a secret: During my month working at camp this summer, I think I took my medication...twice. And guess what? I was fine. No, I was happy . Let me tell you another secret: Last week, I only took my medication twice. And... I was not fine. I was miserable. The world fell apart and I found myself crying about things like not being able to eat at Chick-Fil-A because I'd forgotten my debit card. And so I've been asking myself...what made the difference? Why could I be blissfully content without my medication at camp, if I still depend on it for my happiness back at home? There has to be something, and if I only could put my finger on it... Maybe it was singing all day, everyday, sailor songs and whaling songs and songs about nature and songs about fish heads and songs about friends, just letting my voice ring out because that's what humans do, they sing. Maybe it was always having opportunities to help others, or seeing the effects of my wor...

My brother is home. I have friends who make me grin just talking to them. My research group was selected to present at a conference in Portland this October. I was offered an assistantship at a children's choir camp for the last week in June. Today was my last day of class until September. I'm going to Disneyland next week. I leave for Scout Camp in less than a month. Oh, and did I mention that my brother is home? Life could not get much better.

Got to class practically on time. Played the organ for a couple of hours. Was all of the productive at work. Played a wicked game of ultimate Frisbee. Sat on the grass with my friends while talking about zoo animals. Ate frozen yogurt. Took a refreshing shower. This was indeed a wonderful day.

For the past few weeks, I've felt myself disappearing. It was terrifying, because it was reminiscent of these days , or these ones ... dark times. (heck, I'm not afraid to say it: pre-Zoloft times). I couldn't remember what I loved, or even what I liked. I didn't want to do anything. But not doing anything was even worse, because it turns out...when you can't remember who you are, being alone is unbearable... because you don't even have yourself to keep you company. And so you stay busy, you stay around people, and you sleep a lot. But then, over the last few days, I found myself waking up a little bit, like a perennial popping back through the soil in the spring. It wasn't ever dead, the bulb was there all winter long, waiting for the sun to come back. And I don't know for sure what it was... but it might have been being in a classroom, teaching music for the first time in far too long and then spending almost an hour just chatting w...

I made an observation today. My yoga DVD, which I used to ridicule for it's hokiness, is no longer hilarious to me anymore. And while I still giggle a little bit when the yogi says that a pose feels like "somebody licking ice cream off your body," and tells me to "feel the sweet honey of your hip," I really appreciate the admonition to breathe in all of the green plants in the world, or to carry yoga with me by lighting someone else's fire. So...maybe I've become less cynical? Or more hokey?  Either way, in the words of Eoin Finn, "Let love rule. Namaste."

Guess who learned to juggle 3 balls today? This girl! And guess who did a headstand, a forearm stand, and a handstand today with only minimal spotting? Also this girl! And guess who started a paper that isn't due until Saturday night on Wednesday ? Oh hey...this girl! It's the little things, my friends.

Sometimes the warmth of summer vanishes so that there can be golden and vermillion and orange leaves, a maple-y autumn smell in the air and eventually, giant, drifting flakes of snow. Sometimes the days start to get shorter so that eventually it will be dark enough to see the Christmas lights. Sometimes the delicious crepe shop that used to be by my apartment moves far away so that the best burrito joint in Provo can take its place. Sometimes good things leave so better things can come. Here's hoping.

"Be who you are, nothing more, nothing less And let the beauty that you love be the very best. Sing praises to the Highest with your feet on the ground And reach your brother with the words that you sound. And don't let mistakes be so monumental And don't let your love be so confidential And don't let your mind be so darn judgmental And please let your heart be more influential." -Michael Franti

I think one of the most important developments of early adulthood is coming to know yourself well enough to know exactly what it is you want at a given moment, no matter how simple the desire is. There is something empowering and satisfying in saying, "I am an individual, with unique desires, and what I desire at this moment is to sit on a couch surrounded by friends who I love and watching a movie that I have already seen before (so that I can fall asleep in the middle of the movie without worrying that I'll miss the end). Also, it would be nice if this movie-watching/naptime could also involve me cuddling with a cute boy who I care a lot about." There is a freedom and a power in knowing your own desires, whether big or small, because once you know what you want, you are in a position to seek it out, to make it reality. However, another important development that comes at this time of life is the understanding that you can't always get what you want. Even the mos...

Someday, when I am rich (or at least...out of paycheck-to-paycheck range), I will: Eat things besides pasta and granola bars. Have my own room again. Go snowboarding every weekend (and even some weekdays, since I could afford to miss work) Go rock climbing on days besides "Bring a Friend Friday" (where I can get in for free, because I have friends with season passes). Buy all of the music I ever loved. And all of the books ever written, even ones I don't love. Have a car. Own my own camping gear. Travel. A lot. Things that I do now, instead of being rich: Get really creative with my food sources, so I can eat things besides pasta and granola bars. These include: attending social/church functions just because there will be free food, try to date as much as possible, and go to my grandparents' house for every Sunday dinner possible. Bond with the two other girls who share my room, and pretend I'm a pirate when I climb up the ladder to my little bunk. (...

I've realized something; I blog less when things are good. Not necessarily because most of my blogging is complaining; I think I've written some surprisingly upbeat posts when depressed. However, I think for me, writing serves two main purposes: channeling emotions and escaping them, with the occasional celebratory moment. So I'm gonna switch things up a little and blog on a happy day: I'm in a new apartment, in my old ward. I miss living with my family, having my dad's office in the next room over, playing with my sisters, wrestling with my brother, and following my mom around the house. I miss my amazingly soft bed with its scads of pillows, which I've now traded for a top bunk that feels like a pile of bricks. But I love being back in my second home, right by campus. I feel like my old friends and neighbors have given me such a warm welcome back. I love that I'm right by JDawgs, Spoon it Up, Awful Waffle, and Slab. I'm a huge fan of my classes thi...

You know you're in the right major when simply doing your homework for hours relieves your anxiety, loneliness, and worry more than any of your leisure-time activities do. I've been in a bit of a funk all week, and though I felt better while I was playing with my Callie, hiking with Warren, watching Rifftrax movies with Cindy and Josh, and singing in my choir concert, it was a distractional relief, gone as soon as the distraction ended. But spending hours and hours today and yesterday reading up on child development, studying classical concerto forms, analyzing a Mozart piece, and writing a paper about social competence in 4 year-olds has brought a lasting, permanent mood change. It's like the difference between...I don't know, a pain-killer and an antibiotic? I think the fact that I'm doing something productive, challenging, and enjoyable (to me) has some kind of magic to it.

I'm wearing a happy yellow Threadless shirt, cargo shorts, and no shoes. My feet are happy and bare. The end of my homework is in sight. I just took some delicious bites of a Milka bar (how I missed European chocolate...) I don't have to go to work today! I had Honey Bunches of Oats for breakfast today (that, in and of itself is reason for rejoicing). I had Mac and Cheese for lunch (Can you see the importance of food in my life?) I'm listening to my little sister and her friends make a movie about pirates. It's hilarious. I watched SOOOO much Kid History today. I'm starting to recognize the joyful new opportunities that come from painful life changes. I get to have a girls night with my favorite apartment of friends tonight. I got to sightread Beethoven for a while today...for homework! Yes...life is good.

2010 has been a year of firsts...which always makes for an adventure. First time writing a check (I'm such a grownup!) First time holding a job while taking classes (and first job not at a swimming pool) First time getting a flower for Valentine's Day (Thank you, random Cannon Center customers). First time applying to the Music Education program First time getting accepted into the Music Education program First relationship lasting longer than 2 weeks First kiss First real breakup First time getting rejected for a job I applied for First half-marathon First time living at home since coming to college First time attending a non-BYU singles ward First time being ward organist First time visiting Washington D.C. First time going on a date with a co-worker First time singing with BYU Women's Chorus First time failing a test First time getting a B minus in a class (and being deliriously happy with it) First time introducing a significan...

I love my life. Today I was visiting taught and home taught, both for the first time in months. And I love my visiting and home teachers so much already. My visiting teachers especially are such wonderful examples of kindness and going the extra mile. I want to be just like them when I grow up. =) And it's raining. RAINING! I love rain. This is fantastic. I get to go hear my little brother give a talk today. I get to go play with all my cousins. I love my major. My homework this weekend was: write in the chords for about 15 children's songs and then figure out how to play them on the ukulele. Do a full chordal analysis of "Summertime" from Porgy and Bess. Practice Bach and Mozart for hours on the piano. And do some sightsinging. Yes please! (minus the sightsinging assignment of death....) I also have the world's greatest roommates, who I can laugh with, cry with, and work on my Beyonce dance moves with. And....my boyfriend's pretty rad too. I...

Some things that I like today: The fact that my laptop is sitting on my feet keeping them warm. Nate Ruess. Hey, Dria, remember that time...? Friends who call me when I'm bored and keep me entertained with their witty words. Along the same lines: drowned muskrats. My new favorite word: raconteur. Now that I've discovered what one is, I've gotta learn to be one, I think. Adobe's "We love Apple" ad campaign. (Ok I'm a little bit of a nerd...but you have to admit this is the world's most passive-aggressive ad). Peanut butter Rice Krispie treats. The fact that I can do laundry for free. There are perks to living at home.

Hm....I love life. I love that I can go to a Shakespeare play for 2 dollars, with my best roommate ever. I love enjoying innovative ways of presenting age old words, and I love that I can be sucked into a story penned 400 years ago as if it were happening to my close friends. I love life for those moments when you're sitting in your seat. watching actors on a stage dance to one of your favorite songs, and all of the sudden, one of the actors is standing next to you, hand extended, and soon, you're on the stage, dancing, singing, smiling, and laughing...one hand clasped by a character from Shakespeare, the other held by your beloved friend. And..."I love love. I love being in love. I don't care what it does to me."

February 14th. A day that will live in infamy forever...I mean...something...yeah.... At this point you're probably asking, "Karissa, what is this infamous day to which you refer?" Try and guess. "Oh, it's Lupercalia, the Roman fertility festival?" Indeed it is, but guess again. "Are you referring to St. Valentine's Day, the saints' day rife with fabricated legends about forbidden love?" Closer. "Oh, wait! I know this! You couldn't possibly mean....Singles Awareness Day?" Good job, reader. I have long made a point of broadcasting my scorn for this Hallmark Holiday. Tacky cards, obligatory candy, swooney girls, makey-outey couples...blegghhh...it's like everything I hate combined into one day. But....dagnabbit...there's this secret part of me that likes and appreciates it. Nothing like a little love, right? It all started when I was 16. In honor of the holiday, my friends and I decided to watch the...