The rush

So yesterday I learned something about performing-when done right, it feels crazy cool. Last night at masterclass, I had to...I mean...got to...perform one of my jury pieces for the studio. I decided to play my Mendelssohn "Andante and Rondo Capriccioso", which is my longest piece and probably my hardest. I didn't really feel prepared, but somehow I didn't feel nervous either. My feelings could probably be best summed up in the phrase: "Ok, let's just get this over with." As I sat at the piano and began to play, I felt more focused than I ever have when playing that piece. My every thought centered on the music and I realized I was playing pretty dang well. Of course, as soon as that thought crossed my mind I slipped up--badly. But I was able to recover and get to the end of the piece. When I finished and stood up to take my bow, I felt unbalanced ,like I'd abruptly dropped an enormous weight I'd been carrying all day, or like someone I'd been playing tug-of-war with had let go of me without warning. All my muscles instantly relaxed, leaving me feeling weak and dizzy. I staggered back to my chair, my brain reeling to the point where I could barely form words to respond to my classmates' congratulations. Pumped full of adrenaline as I was, I didn't stop shaking for a full 3 minutes after I got to my seat..I felt unsettled, shaky, and completely used up, but a little voice inside me said, as if I'd just gotten off a rollercoaster,

"WHOA!! Let's do that again!!!"